I just want to vent a little. Been thinking about things way too much and I feel like I am going insane. You don’t know me but some of my stories and past might reflect someone you know or yourself for that matter. I am not an alcoholic, but sometimes I drink like one. It’s the only time I feel no pain, no stress, no regrets and where I can finally say that my mind is shut off for a few hours. The feeling of complete emptiness is relieving. I know that all this isn’t a normal response, but sometimes it helps me cope with certain struggles and situations in my life (or it feels like it anyway). Although this is certainly something I need to work on, this isn’t what I want to focus on today.
I keep having nightmares and thoughts about something that happened a few months ago. I am not writing this to get your sympathy or your words of compassion. I am simply tired of keeping this inside of me and I think it’s time to get it out of my system. I went out with a girlfriend of mine one night. We met up with a few guys that we met a couple of times before. We were drinking, dancing, but mostly drank. Like I mentioned before, I sometimes go over my limit, just to make sure that I can’t think of anything else besides what’s happening in the current moment. Nonetheless, we laughed, we joked and it was actually quite pleasant,
In the group of guys we were with, one of them was my type. We spoke before in the past but nothing ever happened. That night, we flirted and we kissed a few times. We were both drunk. A dozen shots later, which didn’t seem like much then, it was time to leave the club. We all went in the same car. This is where I was out of it and can’t remember everything. I was throwing up continuously, before and throughout the car ride. The car was stopped near one of the guys’ place so that my friend can use the washroom. I was left alone in the car with the guy in question. I was passed at apparently, I was sound asleep. That’s the last thing my friend saw before she left the car. At this point on, this is where I keep getting flashbacks. Not the whole thing, but just some snaps and pieces.
First, I remember this horrendous pain which woke me up. That’s when I realized that my panties were down but my dress was still on. The guy was trying to fit his penis inside my rear end. I screamed in pain and then he apologized. I passed out again and then woke up to him having sex with me. I was a robot, I let him continue, not really understanding what was happening. I don’t remember all the details but the last image I have in my head is that I was on top of him; not knowing how I even got there in the first place. Then my friend came back and we stopped. He left and I passed out again. I woke up the next day, not remembering much but feeling like complete shit, not really understanding why. For the first days, I didn’t think much of it to be honest. It’s only lately, where I keep dreaming about it and where certain pieces seem to be coming back together.
I realized that this was not consensual. I get anxiety and panic attacks every time I think about this. I wasn’t even able to sit straight or to stay awake. I feel ashamed and I can’t believe that I let my guard down so easily. I couldn’t seem to tell myself that I was taken advantage of. I am a strong woman and should have been more vigilant. The thing is; this can happen to anyone. I just want to tell you to be careful. Be careful with who you trust, especially when you know that there’s a chance that you’ll be vulnerable. Also, only drink with people you can count on and who won’t take advantage of your inebriation. I know, it’s not always obvious, but try to be conscientious. There are worst situations out there and some that are less severe than this one, I know, but I just hope that this doesn’t happen every single day. I hope there are people out there that are genuinely kind and have beautiful souls; ready to give a helping hand.
That’s all I got for you tonight. Live life to the fullest but always be safe and surround yourself with good people ♥ Goodnight.